Last week I shared one of my favorite poems, “The Journey” by Mary Oliver.
The poem frames what I have been working on this year: How do I let go of what no longer serves me and live in the uncomfortable in-between space of not-knowing what comes next?
I started to experience a twinge of depression last week, the once familiar crooning in my brain of hopelessness. This depression was born of an inner frustration with myself at my seeming inability to change my current situation in my job and in my life into anything else. To be fair, my depression lies to me. I see things in absolute negatives: I hear the voice that says I will never change, never make my way, never do anything interesting or worthwhile or valuable.
The depression has not lingered. I have been choosing to exercise, and it helps. Running, doing “shovelglove,” I lifted weights once this week – it’s like pushing a reset button in my brain. The depression I experienced last week, although dark, has no permanent vice-like hold over me like it once did, and for that I am grateful. I also still work with a Healing Touch practitioner, whom I have grown close to over the years, and this is helpful as well. I felt refreshed and clear again after seeing her yesterday. I always feel like I’m in my body again.
So back to endings. And beginnings. What is already complete in my life that I need to let go of and get ready to move onward from? What am I holding onto that has lost its usefulness and is no longer serving my highest and best good?
I ask myself these questions because I have really, really been wanting a fresh start, something new. I feel it acutely – when can I start something new? I would like a wholly different experience in my day to day experience, specifically in my work. Yet, I feel stuck in a job I no longer want.
I do feel energized when I connect with other people – although it is hard for me, I think it would be good for me to do this more. I even went through a group coaching program for finding meaningful work, and I loved it. And then it ended, and I suspected it would be hard to continue on my own, and it has been. I suppose I am looking for my next place to fit in – I am yearning for the group solidarity. I never would have known the group component could be so powerful. I am also thinking about coaching, but I haven’t done more than that. Mostly, just thinking, and hence the current “stuckness.”
However, just writing this out has helped me to realize that I know I will continue taking steps to feel supported. And hopefully I don’t falter too much or stall out with acting on my hard-won self-knowledge about where I would like my career to go. I may have fallen down a bit there, but I am getting back up.
And the end is near as far as the job goes – I don’t know when or how exactly, but I will continue to listen inwardly, hear the intuition and the knowing in my soul and follow it, the same way I did when I chose to participate in Your Career Homecoming. The same way, I did years ago when I chose to reach out to Healing Touch Houston and talk to Mary Somano for chronic health problems. The same way I did when I finally overcame the depression I had struggled with for most of my teen and adult life. If I could transform what was once a deep despondency, anger at myself, and frustration with it all aka the “depression” into something hopeful, if delicate, then I can continue to transform that darkness into something that feels like pure joy and looks beautiful. I am getting there, I will persevere, and I will make it. The wind is at my back urging me on. When I allow it, I can feel it.
In deep love and gratitude until next week, Jayne Anne